I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
home. puking in laundry basket.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
