if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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