Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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