My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
