# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
