Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You took a bar mat shot.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
