Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
True college students do jello shots in the library
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