i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
