So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
