i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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