i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
