I only kidnapped one of them. chill
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
