why didn't you poke me back
Welp...herpes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
