between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
