we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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