forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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