how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
