umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
