I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
