Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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