Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
