Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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