I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
