guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Text me some of your sweat
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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