Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
