The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Drake has all the answers
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
