I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
