I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
