I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
