Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
