I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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