Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
