And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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