im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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