i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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