I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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