you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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