Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
