Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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