Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
