You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
