gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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