I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
