dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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