david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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