I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
