Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he thought i was a dude.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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