Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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