I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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