Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
