The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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