I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
