Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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