Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
