You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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