is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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